Somnolence

A Sealed Fate, or a Bad Choice?

So.

Here I sit, on this cold lump of rock, staring at the unforgiving night sky, while the rest of my group slumbers peacefully. I cannot even look at them there, curled around the campfire; I'm much too envious. They are involved in their dreams, their rest and recuperation, while I sit here, shivering from the night cold of the desert.

Let them sleep; they have earned their rest this night. Theirs is the slumber of the righteous, knowing that what they did was right, both in the moment and for the greater cause we all serve--whether we recognize it or not. Even Jacques seems sure that what he did was right, once the situation went past words.

I cannot share in their confidence. I am...uneasy about my recent choices. And yet I don't see how I could have done anything else. Arilyn, for example, in typical fashion dressed me down for not fighting back against Threnody. Yet she--in fact, no one among us--knows her like I do now. They don't know the suffering that she has felt, the torturous loneliness inflicted on her, or her yearning to meet her final end. Her frustration comes from the fact that we cannot yet show her that end.

Certainly, I must admit that I did not expect her anger, and yet it was not entirely surprising, somehow, but I have already entered that into these records.

Should I have attacked her? I don't know; I'm not sure that I ever will. She would have taken the crystal from me, if the others had not been there. But how can I attack someone, even if she IS an incarnation of Naresh, when I have come to understand her so well? If anyone in our circle would be able to make her see, to know how to alter her perspective, would it not be me? Or am I simply deluding myself? Is she simply beyond any redemption or understanding?

I have been chasing my own thoughts in this ridiculous circle ever since my companions went to their bedrolls, and I am no closer to finding an answer than when I started. I'm also unable to simply stop. I try not to look at my...at my friends, sleeping there so soundly, and I wonder, too, how much I have disappointed them this night. I know that few, if any, of them regard me very highly. Until now, this has never troubled me, for I was sure that my blade and my spells were an integral factor in this group, that whatever problems we may have had, they needed me. It seems I proved last night that there are things I do lack, other than a "proper" respect for humans. I hope they'll come to understand why I felt I had to do things that way, though. Not because I need them to like me or respect me, but because I thought I was doing the RIGHT thing, for a change.

So.

The sun is cresting the horizon; I hope they've enjoyed their sleep, because it seems another difficult day is ahead of us.

Associated Regions: Curmeah

From the journal of Islan Diemyn

Contributor: Chris Schuettpelz